The thorn in my flesh

Welcome back!  If, you’re new to my blog please start here.  If not then thanks for coming back!!

I am truly in withdrawal stage.  Any of you that may have started the journey towards health know exactly what I am talking about.  I have gone from eating pretty much whatever I want, to making conscience decisions about exactly what I put in my mouth.  This means LESS SUGAR, LESS CAFFEINE, LESS FOOD.  My body has revolted.  Monday evening I got a massive headache.  I had it for almost 24 hours straight.  My body was in pain.  I felt like I had been hit by a mack truck.  This is called DETOX.

Last night my best friends and I talked about the addictive power of SUGAR.  Even the word looks pretty.

It is proven that the more sugar you eat the more your body craves it.  It’s like a drug.  It effects the same chemicals in your brain that cause you to become addicted and show addictive tendencies.  Well, at least that’s what wikipedia says.  Also, to all my carb lovers: bread is sugar so it works the same way.

Today I woke up with 2 Corinthians 12 on my mind.  In this chapter Paul is still telling us of his trials and persecutions.  He actually says he is “boasting” about his weaknesses.  I love that.  I think that sums up the whole intent of my blog.  I am weak but He is strong.  Only by His strength will I ever meet my goal.

Paul then goes on to talk about the “thorn in his flesh.”  We never really find out what this is in the Bible.  I regard this as one of the Bible’s great mysteries.  I totally relate to Paul in this passage.  I always have.  I truly believe that my weight struggle is the thorn in my flesh.  This is something that God has given me to deal with so that His strength is made perfect in my weakness.  And trust me, I am VERY weak.

Last night, as I licked Cool-Whip off a spoon, I thought about how the cravings I have for sugar can cause me to do things that seems crazy.  I mean who eats Cool-Whip right out of the container?  I mean unless it’s a holiday and you are forced to lick the container clean to use up the extra that’s not all over your pie. Or, it’s a Tuesday. You know what I thought then?  “Well at least I didn’t finish off the bag of Cadbury Mini-Eggs (my favorite) that is sitting in the cabinet taunting me!”  Hooray for small victories!

So today I will hold to 2 Corinthians 2:9-10.  I think The Message version says it best, “And then he told me, “My grace is enough.  My strength comes into its own in your weakness.”  Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen.  I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift.  It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness.  Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size- abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks.  I just let Christ take over!  And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.”

If you’re on the journey with me what are some of the crazy things you have done for food?  Please share!  Let’s be crazy together!!!

My story…

I am very blessed.  I am 31 29 with two years of experience, I have two beautiful daughters, a husband that supports me and loves me no matter what I look like (even in the morning with bad breath and unintentional 80’s hair). I have a great job.  I have great friends. I am also an addict.  I am addicted to food.

Addict- wow.  That seems like a really strong word. A really negative word.  Nevertheless, it is true.  I choose to call myself an addict because food is powerful and I have let it control me many times.

I don’t think I have ever been considered “skinny.”  Even in adorable pictures of me as a child-when I thought I was thin- I was thick.  Healthy? Yes.  Thick?  Yes.  I think the boy word would be “husky.”  I distinctly remember the first time I ever started to worry about my weight.  I was probably 9 or 10 and I overheard my Nanny (who I adore!) tell my mom that I just had some baby fat left to lose. I think I still have my baby fat on my thighs.

I have also been incredibly blessed with great friends and a “who cares what other people think of me” outlook.  I never remember being bullied about my weight.  Ever.  I know that so many of my overweight friends can remember distinct times they were made fun of concerning their weight.  I was too busy hearing every joke in the book about my maiden name- Doolittle.  Yep, really.  Go ahead.  I know you can think of a few things to say about that one.  But to be honest, that didn’t bother me that much either.

When I was 13 I was probably 5’5” or 5’6” and hit about 194lbs.  I think that is when I really decided to get healthy.  I couldn’t go through high school fat.  That would never do.  I lost about 55lbs.  By the time I was 15 I was obsessed with being thin.  I thought about it all the time.  I was VERY active in sports.  I walked about 3 miles with my Dad every morning and then had Volleyball or Softball practice afterschool.  Sometimes I would go work out after that.  It was easy to keep off the weight.  I also grew to 5’7” so I looked more lean.  But you know what I saw in the mirror??  FAT.  When I look back at those pictures now all I see is thin.

I became so obsessed with staying small that I used to not eat breakfast.  Eat a small lunch and a very small dinner.  NO SNACKS.  If I snacked it would be a couple crackers.  I remember a very caring friend telling my coach that she was worried about me because I wasn’t eating properly.  She was worried about anorexia. I was so angry with her.  It’s almost laughable now when I look in the mirror to think that I may have been on a downward spiral towards anorexia.  But I think this is a great representation of what a disease of the mind obesity is.

After I went to college I did great for the first year.  Then I got lazy.  There is no other word for it.  I became a member of a travelling choir and ate every chance I got while then riding home on a bus for 8 hours at a time.  My weight ballooned.  When I finally started caring again, I had tipped the scale at 220.  I met my husband and then kept gaining.  When we got married I was 240.  A couple years later when we found out I was pregnant with my first daughter I was 250.  I got up to 280 in that pregnancy.  With no gestational diabetes.

I took me 3 years after the birth of my daughter to start caring about my health.  Really I made the decision to get healthy because I wanted to live, I wanted to be a good role model for my daughter and I truly beleive my family was concerned.  With the help of Weight Watchers online I lost over 40lbs.  At 237lbs I found out that I was pregnant with my second daughter.  I went up to 280 with her as well.

So here I am almost 2 years post pregnancy and still hovering around that number.  This makes me cry.  This disgusts me.  This causes me to say mean things to myself.  But it is fact.

Obesity is a disease.  I want so desperately to change.  I want to be thin, I want to be healthy but it’s not that easy.  It’s more than just a food choice or the choice to be more active.  It’s a mind game.  A game I mean to win.

I tell you all these things as catharsis for my soul.  I tell you all these things so you will know that I am trying to be transparent.  I tell you all these things so that become my accountability partner.  To all my friends.  Please do not judge me.

So join me on my journey.  I want to be an encouragement.  I know there will be hard days.  There will be triumphs and sadness, but I know in the end Phillipians 4:13 still holds true.  The Message version says it best:  “Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.”

On the journey,

Shelley